Exhausted

In every ways.

Financially, mentally, physically and emotionally.

While I’ve read that going through artificial child-bearing procedures are tough and draining, I didn’t know it could possibly empty me out in all aspects.

Financially

I went through a third fresh cycle with SGH but without success again. This time round, instead of Puregon or Gonal-F, I had Menopur injections instead. All seemed to progress well. There were 14 embryos retrieved, 7 fertilised, 5 made it to day 3 and 3 made it to day 5. While 1 of the Day 5 embryos did not survive, I transferred 2 of the better day 5 embryos with a endometrial lining of 11mm. It’s said that a 10-12mm lining is suitable for implantation. After which, there were twice daily vaginal inserts. All of these, with the last subsidy from the government and deduction of medisave (=$10K) will cost me approximately $5-6K out of the pocket.

But I did not succeed. That means if I were to embark on yet another cycle, the out of my (or rather his because he forks out more) pocket amounts easily to $15K minimally. It’s exorbitant. It’s easily equivalent to a trip for 2 to Iceland and back. Worst, supposedly we have that amount of cash and spend it and did not succeed again (The success rate for IVF IS only 30% for ladies below 35.), then what?

And the amount is excluding all the other treatments we’ve went for, including accupunture, intralipid transfusion, doctor visits to my endocrinologist to ensure my thyroid levels were in check, transportation costs to all these various clinics that’ll easily add up to another few grands…

Mentally

Going on repeated cycles can break down even the toughest or most resilient woman.

After the first cycle, we thought to ourselves, there’s always the 2nd.

After the 3rd, we were already close to wondering if it’s even possible at all. If it is, we would have had some glimpses of hope, especially after trying all sorts of treatment. But, no. We didn’t. Even though there were traces of hcg detected, the pregnancy is obviously not viable and had terminated in the early stages.

How many times must I go through the disappointment, frustration, only to have to pick myself up again? Never mind the negligible pricks and bruises from the daily, and sometimes multiple injections. The fear of going through the entire cycle, and the possible outcome of a negative pregnancy blood test result is enough to turn my world upside down. Let’s not even begin with the tormenting thoughts that’ll bang themselves hard against my head, telling me what a failure I am for not being able to do what a woman is supposed to naturally, blaming myself for not taking enough care of myself and for ignoring his want to have children earlier. I blame myself, also, for giving up the one pregnancy I had a shot at, when I was given an opportunity to, all because I wasn’t ready. He blames himself for not getting me to try for children earlier and for allowing me to have my ways and insisting of wanting kids at a later stage in life.

All these thoughts just made us accumulate bitterness gradually.

While I could easily take up a sport or join a community to distract myself, all these gathering and sports need money which I would rather save for the next cycle. I also began to be extremely watchful of what I spend on because of the impending hefty cost. All these carefulness and watchfulness eats up the positivity in me.

Physically

Travelling to and fro the various clinics where I receive the assortment of treatments is extremely tiring. The unpardoning weather just makes it worst.

Besides that, when you are going through a cycle, the swollen ovaries were enough to drive you nuts.

During the 2-week wait, the stuffing of progesterone up the vagina caused me 2 bouts of yeast infection.

When the pregnancy blood test is negative and the progesterone is cut, the plunge in the hormones caused huge amount of hairfall. Locks choked the gutter and made him gawked. We were in disbelief and could only pray it’s temporary. Boy, we were glad it was.

The subsequent menstruation is also nowhere near comfortable as large amount of blood would literally gushed out periodically. I had to change pads at leas 4 times a day to ensure I was dry and prevent leak.

Emotionally

No words would suffice. Each cycle is a rollercoaster ride that starts with being hopeful, then anxious of the outcome, trying to stay calm and stress-free but only to be greeted with disappointing result that would break my heart apart. With every cycle, abit of me died. So did him. So did the love between my husband and I. Both of us hurt so much we couldn’t talk. Sometimes, it even hurt to get intimate because the act simply reminds us of how inadequate we are. On our last try, the atmosphere between us was so tense conversations became heated quarrels, finger-pointing and a lot of resentment, bitterness and tears. There were so much pent-up frustration that’ll snowball and surface after each failed cycle.

On top that, announcements of pregnancies of friends and family members around us just add salt to the wound.

Feeling isolated and lonely became a norm. No one could really understand (not that I would want anyone to since that would probably mean that the person has been through all that I had to and I definitely would not want any of my close ones to.) and no matter who you confide in, you’ll feel it’s pretty pointless at the end of the conversation because it’s either they feel sorry for you, which is not helpful, or they’ll give you weird advice which you’ve probably tried and also does not find helpful.

It has gotten to a point that talking about it would just bring tears to my eyes.

So here I am, pretty emptied in all aspects.

I begin seeking solace in reading the bible and immersing myself more in work whenever possible. Beside numbing my wounds, they distract me and allow me to focus on other aspect in life.

Yet despite all these pain, I would continue to try. Why?

Solely because we desire, that one day, we can have children we call our own. To hold and to love. To cuddle and to kiss.

Perhaps the one day would come.

And even if it doesn’t, at least we know we’ve tried, as hard as we could and as much as our shallow pockets have allowed us to.